The 15 “Good Parent” Habits That Are Quietly Wiring Your Kid For Therapy At 30.

okay i need to tell you the 'use your words' chapter genuinely made me put the book down and call my sister. we both grew up with this. we both do this to our kids. she is buying it tomorrow.

I'm not crying you're crying. The chapter on 'be a big girl' is the one. My daughter is 4. I have been doing this for a year without realizing.

honestly thought this was gonna be another judgmental parenting book. it really wasn't. evelyn writes like a friend who got it wrong first.

Read it in 2 nights. Started one repair script the next morning with my 5yo. She literally cried with relief. I'm done.

the forced apology chapter. that is all i will say.

wish i had this 4 years ago when my oldest was 2. doing what i can with what i know now.

My husband read it too and we had the most honest conversation about how we were raised that we've ever had. Worth way more than $24.

I'm a therapist. I'm buying this for every client with a toddler.

ok the part about 'you're fine' invalidating their intuition for life. i felt that one in my chest. growing up i was told i was fine constantly. it really does stay with you.

Short, direct, doesn't waste your time. The 'what to do instead' sections are the whole reason to buy it.

i don't usually leave reviews. this one earned it.

Bargaining with food chapter destroyed me. I do this every single dinner. I have done this every single dinner for 3 years.

Sent this to my mom group. 6 of them bought it within an hour.

I have a 3yo and a 5yo. Started with the screen reflex chapter and the 'doing things for her because it's faster' chapter. Both hit.

you'll recognize yourself in the first chapter. i did.

ugh. the counting to three chapter. that is literally my whole morning routine. now what do i do.

I bought this for my sister whose son is 2. then bought it for myself. then bought it for my mom because she needed to read what she did to me.

wow. just wow. my therapist is going to love this.

the chapter on hugging relatives. that one. i grew up being made to hug my grandfather and i still can't say no to people at 38.

good. not life changing but really good. the praise chapter alone is worth the price.

I read it on my phone at 11pm in bed with my kid sleeping next to me. cried softly. didn't wake her up. started over the next morning.

the 'talking about her in front of her' chapter. i had to put the book down. i do this constantly to my friends on the phone. she's 6 and i wonder why she doesn't tell me things anymore.

not gonna lie i was skeptical. evelyn is the real deal. no judgment. no shame. just clear writing about hard things.

i'll be honest, i bought this expecting another instagram-pop-psychology book. this is so much better than that. it's specific.

Read it during my daughter's nap. By the time she woke up I had a list of three things I was going to stop doing today.

Dad here. Bought it for my wife but read it myself first. The screen reflex chapter hit me harder than anything I've read on parenting.

the 'use your words' chapter literally explains why my 3 year old falls apart every single afternoon. it's biologically impossible for her. i feel like an idiot for not knowing.

i needed this. that's all.

Wish there had been more on screen time. But what's there is gold.

the chapter on praise is the one. my whole childhood was 'good job good job good job' and i still can't function without external validation at 35.

I have a 2yo and was scared this would be too late. It's not. The 'undoing' framing is everything.

ok so. i bought this last week. i've already used one repair script with my 4 year old. it worked. like actually worked.

the forced sharing chapter changed how i see playground interactions. i was creating a little appeaser. i did not know.

Sent it to my best friend with the subject line 'we have to talk.' She read it that night. We talked for 2 hours.

the bargaining with food chapter. i am a 41 year old woman who still negotiates with myself about every meal. that's where it comes from.

evelyn doesn't write like a guru. she writes like a friend who's been honest with herself first. that's why this book works.

the part about her older daughter being 13 and coming back into the room after a fight made me cry. that is what i want. for both of us.

Solid. The chapter on doing things for her because it's faster was a wake up call. I'd been doing everything for my 5yo to save 90 seconds. He's now mad at me.

i realized my mom did all 15 of these. so did her mom. i'm trying to stop the chain.

the 'asking her to stop crying' chapter. i grew up being told i was too sensitive. i still apologize for crying at 36. now i know exactly where it started.

Read it in one sitting. Took notes. Put it on my nightstand. Will reread monthly.

the 'did you have fun' chapter is killing me. i ask this question constantly. my 5yo gives me a one word answer every time. now i know why.

ok i have to say. the part about the visible measure being wrong. that line is going to live in my head forever.

I cried reading the imagine her at 13 section. That is what I want and I didn't know it was possible.

honest, short, specific. exactly what i needed at 11pm after another rough bedtime.

Good for moms of toddlers and preschoolers. My oldest is 8 so I felt some of it was past me, but the repair section is gold for older kids too.

fuck. the chapter on counting to three. that's my whole bedtime. i am training her to only listen to threats.

ok so i bought this on a whim. it's been a week. i've changed two habits already. my 4yo is noticeably calmer at dinner.

I am a child psychologist and I'm buying this for my sister. Evelyn nails the developmental science without making it dense.

the way she writes about the small things. it's like she's been in my kitchen.

Dad of a 3yo daughter. This book is for me too. The forced hug chapter changed how I think about my own family interactions.

you don't have to be perfect. you just have to stop doing them constantly with no awareness. that line. that's the whole book.

i bought it for my mom group and 4 of us are reading it together. we have a text thread now where we just send chapter numbers and 'that one.'

the screens as de-escalation chapter is not about screen time hours and that distinction is the whole reason this book is different.

Some of it I knew. Most of it I didn't. The 'be a big girl' chapter is worth the whole price by itself.

i am thirty and i am the woman she describes in chapter 14. asking my mother to stop crying. i never made the connection.

ok so the part where she says toddlers store patterns not events. that reframed everything for me.

I have read 12 parenting books in the last year. This is the only one I will keep.

wish i had read this 4 years ago. but reading it now is still worth it.

the part about how she writes as a mother who got it wrong first. that's why i could read it. no shame. no expert voice.

i needed this. my 3yo and i have had 4 better mornings since i read the use your words chapter.

Bought this on a Sunday night. Finished it by Tuesday. Already implementing two of the alternatives. My husband notices the difference in our 5yo.

the forced apology chapter unraveled my entire childhood. that's where my chronic over-apologizing came from. wow.

honestly the best $24 i've spent in years. and i don't say that easily.

the asking 'did you have fun' chapter. i had no idea that question was teaching her to give me summaries. i thought i was being interested.

okay i'll just say it. the chapter on praise made me look at my whole career as someone who can't function without compliments. i was built that way and i didn't know.

she names the fear in the introduction and then disarms it. that alone was worth the read. i carry that fear daily.

I'm a dad. The 'doing things for her because it's faster' chapter is my entire parenting model. I am rethinking everything.

Good. The 'what to do instead' sections could be longer but maybe that's the point. One small shift per chapter.

i sent this to my sister at midnight with the message 'please read.' she replied at 1am 'oh my god.'

evelyn writes like she's sitting across from you at a kitchen table. no fluff. no jargon. just truth.

the chapter on saying 'you're fine.' that's the one. i say this to my 4yo every day. she has stopped telling me when something hurts.

I'm halfway through and have already changed how I respond to my 3yo's meltdowns. She is calmer. So am I.

the 'promising things to get through transitions' chapter. i bribe my way through every single thing. now i see what that's teaching her about work and patience.

i bought this for myself. and then for my husband. and then for my mom. and then i recommended it on threads. that's the order of operations.

the 'mature for her age' line in section 4. i was that kid. i paid for that maturity. i'm still paying.

i'll just say it. this is the book i needed when my first was 2. i'm buying it for every pregnant friend i have.

ok the part where she says it usually only takes undoing one habit. that gave me permission to start small. i started small. it's working.

i don't leave reviews ever. but this book changed something in me in 38 pages and i had to say something.

honestly i thought 38 pages was short for the price. then i read it. there's not a wasted sentence. every page earns it.

Solid book. The chapter list at the front lets you skip to the one that's hitting you hardest. I went straight to 'be a big girl.'

the version of her you might be building section. i recognized my daughter in 3 of those descriptions. she's 6. there's still time.

i read it during my kid's bath time over two weeks. it's exactly the speed it says it is.

the chapter on the screen reflex finally explained to me why my 4yo escalates the moment i try to take the ipad. i was using it as the off switch. she learned the off switch was the ipad.

i bought 3 copies. one for me, one for my sister, one for my best friend. all 3 of us have texted each other about chapter 5 in the same week.

the part about how her older daughter slams the door and comes back 20 minutes later. that's what i want. that's the whole goal.

evelyn writes like someone who has both done the work and refused to perform certainty about it. that's rare.

the chapter on bargaining with food broke me. i eat by rules. my mom ate by rules. i was teaching my 5yo to eat by rules and didn't see it.

Good. Wish there was a section on dads but the book is honest about its scope. Going to recommend my husband read it anyway.

i needed someone to name what i was doing wrong without making me feel like i'd ruined my kid. that's what this book does.

the part where she says these are not the daughters of bad mothers. i had to read that twice. i needed that.

my 13 year old read parts of this and said 'mom this is what i wish you'd read when i was 4.' that was a hard conversation. and a needed one.

i bought this. i read it. i bought one for my mother in law. she read it. we are now allies for the first time in 8 years. did not see that coming.

the imagine her at 22 calling you before she figured it out part. ugh. i want that. i never had that with my mom.

the 'use your words' chapter. biologically impossible. that one sentence shifted everything for me. i am no longer angry at my 3yo for not articulating during a meltdown.

this should be required reading at every prenatal appointment. and again at the 2 year check up.

ok the chapter on counting to 1, 2, 3. i count to three constantly. i had no idea what it was teaching her about my actual authority. i feel silly.

I bought it Friday. By Sunday I'd read it twice. By Wednesday my 4yo's nighttime routine was completely different. By next Friday she was hugging me longer.

dad here. wife sent me this and i read it on the train. the screen reflex one wrecked me. that's been my de-escalation tool for 2 years.

the part about how the wiring is built by thousands of small repeated moments. not big events. i had to sit with that for a day.

Good read. Not all 15 hit but the ones that did were like getting hit by a truck. The praise chapter for me.

wow. just. wow. the chapter on talking about her in front of her. my 7 year old has stopped sharing things with me and i finally understand why.

i'm a grandmother. i bought this for my daughter. i also read it. i did 14 of these to her. i'm sorry, kiddo. i didn't know.

the way the chapters are structured is brilliant. you can read one in 5 minutes. you can also reread one for the rest of your life.

the imagine her at 30 in a relationship with the ability to say no part. that's the part that made me buy the book. i don't have that ability. i want her to.

i wish someone had written this 30 years ago. for my mom. for me. but i have it now. and my 4yo and my 2yo get to grow up with a mom who read it.

the part where she says she has spent 5 years undoing these habits with her daughters and watched what happens. that's the credibility right there. lived.

i read this in two evenings while my husband watched the kids. best $24 we've spent in years. and we've spent it on a lot of parenting stuff.

Good. The 'be a big girl' chapter and the 'asking her to stop crying' chapter are the strongest. The rest are great too but those two felt like personal letters to me.

i cried. then i started chapter 1 of the repair scripts. then i cried again.

ok so i have to say. evelyn's writing has the rare quality of being both warm and uncompromising. that's hard to do.

the chapter on forcing her to share. i had been teaching my 3yo that her possessions weren't really hers, and then wondering why she clutched things desperately at the playground. now i know.

wish my pediatrician would stop telling me to make her use her words. this book gives me the language to push back.

i bought it skeptical. i finished it grateful. that's the journey.

the chapter on hugging relatives. i am 39 and i still can't say no to a hug from someone i don't want to hug. that started at 3.

ok i'll be honest. i'm a little obsessed with this book. i've recommended it to 6 friends in a week. 4 have bought it. 2 are waiting for payday.

the line 'fear without agency is just anxiety, and anxiety has never made anyone a better mother.' i needed to read that this year.

evelyn writes the version of parenting honesty that i wish my pediatrician had given me.

the part about how the bond and the trust and the openness grow back fastest the moment you change course. that's what i needed to hear.

i bought this 9 days ago. i've changed 2 habits. my 5yo is sleeping better. correlation, causation, who cares. it's working.

I'm a grandmother of 4. I bought this to share with my daughters in law. They both cried. They both said thank you. They are buying copies for their friends.

ugh the chapter on saying you're fine. that's been my whole maternal vocabulary. i didn't know it was overriding her intuition.

i needed permission to be imperfect AND to stop doing the things i was doing. this book gave me both at the same time.

i am the mom reading a book at night about how to do better. and i needed someone to say that line to me. evelyn did.

ok the part where she says 'she will remember what was installed.' that is the line. that is the whole book in one sentence.

i'll be honest. i avoided buying this for a week because i was afraid of what it would say. i should have bought it sooner. it's not a guilt trip. it's a guide.

Dad. Wife read it first. Then me. Then we both read it again. We've had better conversations about parenting in the last 2 weeks than we did in 5 years.

the chapter on doing things for her because it's faster. i broke that habit and my 4yo lit up. she wanted to be capable. i'd been preventing her.

evelyn is the writer i wish someone had been pointing me to since my daughter was born. 6 years late but here we are.

i don't review books. i'm reviewing this one. that should tell you something.

the imagine her at 13 section made me sob. i want that for both of us. and now i have a map.

ok so. the part where she says 'the moms who damage their daughters most are not the moms who do these things sometimes. they are the moms who do them constantly with no awareness.' that gave me a deep breath.

Good. The repair script library bonus is the part i've used most so far. The book primed me. The scripts are what i actually run on monday mornings.

the chapter on praise. carol dweck's research explained in 4 pages without making me feel stupid. i finally understand what 'good job' was teaching her brain to need.

i bought this for my best friend whose kid just turned 3. she texted me at midnight 'this book is everything.' i agree.

i wish i had read this when my oldest was 2 instead of when she was 6. but i'm grateful i'm reading it now.

the chapter on bargaining with vegetables. i do this every meal. i was creating a child who would grow up to negotiate with every plate. like me. like my mom.

ok the part where she says her older daughter knows what she wants and is bad at being talked out of it. i WANT that for my girl. i was talked out of everything i wanted as a kid.

i sent this to 4 friends. 3 bought it. 1 said she'd buy it next week. the carousel of moms reading this book together is real.

i'm a single mom. i don't have time to read parenting books. i read this in 4 nights, 10 minutes a night. it fit. and it worked.

evelyn's voice is the rare combination of warmth and honesty that i wish more parenting writers could do. read this book.

the last chapter on 'be a big girl.' i was made into a big girl at 4. my mom is sorry now. i'm trying to do better. this book is helping.

the chapter on 'asking her to stop crying.' i had to put my phone down and just sit. i was 32 before i learned to cry in front of someone i loved.

i bought this for my postpartum sister. she said it's the first parenting book she's read that didn't make her feel worse.

Solid book. Wish I'd read it before my second was born. Working through the chapters with my 5 and 3 year olds now.

ok the part where she says it usually takes undoing one habit. i undid one. i can already feel the difference in my 4yo. one.

i read this twice. once for me. once for my daughter. she's 8 and i want to make sure i don't keep doing these for the next 5 years.

the part about how the parts of her that you think you've ruined grow back fastest the moment you change course. i needed that hope.

i'll be honest, i bought this for the chapter list alone. then i read the whole thing. and it's all gold.

okay the part where she says 'the visible measure was wrong' i had to stop reading for a minute. that's it. that's the whole problem.

dad of two girls (4 and 2). this book is for me too. i'll keep it on my nightstand. read it slowly.

i needed this. i needed every word of this. and i needed it from a mom who got it wrong first, not from an expert who is performing.

the chapter on counting to 3. ugh. that was my morning routine and i didn't know it was teaching her that my words don't matter until i hit the threat.

Good. The 'what to do instead' alternatives are really the magic. They're tiny but they work.

i bought this. read it. then bought it for my mom and my mother in law. we had a 3 hour conversation about it on thanksgiving. best holiday ever.

okay i need to tell you the 'use your words' chapter genuinely made me put the book down and call my sister. we both grew up with this. we both do this to our kids. she is buying it tomorrow.

I'm not crying you're crying. The chapter on 'be a big girl' is the one. My daughter is 4. I have been doing this for a year without realizing.

honestly thought this was gonna be another judgmental parenting book. it really wasn't. evelyn writes like a friend who got it wrong first.

Read it in 2 nights. Started one repair script the next morning with my 5yo. She literally cried with relief. I'm done.

the forced apology chapter. that is all i will say.

wish i had this 4 years ago when my oldest was 2. doing what i can with what i know now.

My husband read it too and we had the most honest conversation about how we were raised that we've ever had. Worth way more than $24.

I'm a therapist. I'm buying this for every client with a toddler.

ok the part about 'you're fine' invalidating their intuition for life. i felt that one in my chest. growing up i was told i was fine constantly. it really does stay with you.

Short, direct, doesn't waste your time. The 'what to do instead' sections are the whole reason to buy it.

i don't usually leave reviews. this one earned it.

Bargaining with food chapter destroyed me. I do this every single dinner. I have done this every single dinner for 3 years.

Sent this to my mom group. 6 of them bought it within an hour.

I have a 3yo and a 5yo. Started with the screen reflex chapter and the 'doing things for her because it's faster' chapter. Both hit.

you'll recognize yourself in the first chapter. i did.

ugh. the counting to three chapter. that is literally my whole morning routine. now what do i do.

I bought this for my sister whose son is 2. then bought it for myself. then bought it for my mom because she needed to read what she did to me.

wow. just wow. my therapist is going to love this.

the chapter on hugging relatives. that one. i grew up being made to hug my grandfather and i still can't say no to people at 38.

good. not life changing but really good. the praise chapter alone is worth the price.

I read it on my phone at 11pm in bed with my kid sleeping next to me. cried softly. didn't wake her up. started over the next morning.

the 'talking about her in front of her' chapter. i had to put the book down. i do this constantly to my friends on the phone. she's 6 and i wonder why she doesn't tell me things anymore.

not gonna lie i was skeptical. evelyn is the real deal. no judgment. no shame. just clear writing about hard things.

i'll be honest, i bought this expecting another instagram-pop-psychology book. this is so much better than that. it's specific.

Read it during my daughter's nap. By the time she woke up I had a list of three things I was going to stop doing today.

Dad here. Bought it for my wife but read it myself first. The screen reflex chapter hit me harder than anything I've read on parenting.

the 'use your words' chapter literally explains why my 3 year old falls apart every single afternoon. it's biologically impossible for her. i feel like an idiot for not knowing.

i needed this. that's all.

Wish there had been more on screen time. But what's there is gold.

the chapter on praise is the one. my whole childhood was 'good job good job good job' and i still can't function without external validation at 35.

I have a 2yo and was scared this would be too late. It's not. The 'undoing' framing is everything.

ok so. i bought this last week. i've already used one repair script with my 4 year old. it worked. like actually worked.

the forced sharing chapter changed how i see playground interactions. i was creating a little appeaser. i did not know.

Sent it to my best friend with the subject line 'we have to talk.' She read it that night. We talked for 2 hours.

the bargaining with food chapter. i am a 41 year old woman who still negotiates with myself about every meal. that's where it comes from.

evelyn doesn't write like a guru. she writes like a friend who's been honest with herself first. that's why this book works.

the part about her older daughter being 13 and coming back into the room after a fight made me cry. that is what i want. for both of us.

Solid. The chapter on doing things for her because it's faster was a wake up call. I'd been doing everything for my 5yo to save 90 seconds. He's now mad at me.

i realized my mom did all 15 of these. so did her mom. i'm trying to stop the chain.

the 'asking her to stop crying' chapter. i grew up being told i was too sensitive. i still apologize for crying at 36. now i know exactly where it started.

Read it in one sitting. Took notes. Put it on my nightstand. Will reread monthly.

the 'did you have fun' chapter is killing me. i ask this question constantly. my 5yo gives me a one word answer every time. now i know why.

ok i have to say. the part about the visible measure being wrong. that line is going to live in my head forever.

I cried reading the imagine her at 13 section. That is what I want and I didn't know it was possible.

honest, short, specific. exactly what i needed at 11pm after another rough bedtime.

Good for moms of toddlers and preschoolers. My oldest is 8 so I felt some of it was past me, but the repair section is gold for older kids too.

fuck. the chapter on counting to three. that's my whole bedtime. i am training her to only listen to threats.

ok so i bought this on a whim. it's been a week. i've changed two habits already. my 4yo is noticeably calmer at dinner.

I am a child psychologist and I'm buying this for my sister. Evelyn nails the developmental science without making it dense.

the way she writes about the small things. it's like she's been in my kitchen.

Dad of a 3yo daughter. This book is for me too. The forced hug chapter changed how I think about my own family interactions.

you don't have to be perfect. you just have to stop doing them constantly with no awareness. that line. that's the whole book.

i bought it for my mom group and 4 of us are reading it together. we have a text thread now where we just send chapter numbers and 'that one.'

the screens as de-escalation chapter is not about screen time hours and that distinction is the whole reason this book is different.

Some of it I knew. Most of it I didn't. The 'be a big girl' chapter is worth the whole price by itself.

i am thirty and i am the woman she describes in chapter 14. asking my mother to stop crying. i never made the connection.

ok so the part where she says toddlers store patterns not events. that reframed everything for me.

I have read 12 parenting books in the last year. This is the only one I will keep.

wish i had read this 4 years ago. but reading it now is still worth it.

the part about how she writes as a mother who got it wrong first. that's why i could read it. no shame. no expert voice.

i needed this. my 3yo and i have had 4 better mornings since i read the use your words chapter.

Bought this on a Sunday night. Finished it by Tuesday. Already implementing two of the alternatives. My husband notices the difference in our 5yo.

the forced apology chapter unraveled my entire childhood. that's where my chronic over-apologizing came from. wow.

honestly the best $24 i've spent in years. and i don't say that easily.

the asking 'did you have fun' chapter. i had no idea that question was teaching her to give me summaries. i thought i was being interested.

okay i'll just say it. the chapter on praise made me look at my whole career as someone who can't function without compliments. i was built that way and i didn't know.

she names the fear in the introduction and then disarms it. that alone was worth the read. i carry that fear daily.

I'm a dad. The 'doing things for her because it's faster' chapter is my entire parenting model. I am rethinking everything.

Good. The 'what to do instead' sections could be longer but maybe that's the point. One small shift per chapter.

i sent this to my sister at midnight with the message 'please read.' she replied at 1am 'oh my god.'

evelyn writes like she's sitting across from you at a kitchen table. no fluff. no jargon. just truth.

the chapter on saying 'you're fine.' that's the one. i say this to my 4yo every day. she has stopped telling me when something hurts.

I'm halfway through and have already changed how I respond to my 3yo's meltdowns. She is calmer. So am I.

the 'promising things to get through transitions' chapter. i bribe my way through every single thing. now i see what that's teaching her about work and patience.

i bought this for myself. and then for my husband. and then for my mom. and then i recommended it on threads. that's the order of operations.

the 'mature for her age' line in section 4. i was that kid. i paid for that maturity. i'm still paying.

i'll just say it. this is the book i needed when my first was 2. i'm buying it for every pregnant friend i have.

ok the part where she says it usually only takes undoing one habit. that gave me permission to start small. i started small. it's working.

i don't leave reviews ever. but this book changed something in me in 38 pages and i had to say something.

honestly i thought 38 pages was short for the price. then i read it. there's not a wasted sentence. every page earns it.

Solid book. The chapter list at the front lets you skip to the one that's hitting you hardest. I went straight to 'be a big girl.'

the version of her you might be building section. i recognized my daughter in 3 of those descriptions. she's 6. there's still time.

i read it during my kid's bath time over two weeks. it's exactly the speed it says it is.

the chapter on the screen reflex finally explained to me why my 4yo escalates the moment i try to take the ipad. i was using it as the off switch. she learned the off switch was the ipad.

i bought 3 copies. one for me, one for my sister, one for my best friend. all 3 of us have texted each other about chapter 5 in the same week.

the part about how her older daughter slams the door and comes back 20 minutes later. that's what i want. that's the whole goal.

evelyn writes like someone who has both done the work and refused to perform certainty about it. that's rare.

the chapter on bargaining with food broke me. i eat by rules. my mom ate by rules. i was teaching my 5yo to eat by rules and didn't see it.

Good. Wish there was a section on dads but the book is honest about its scope. Going to recommend my husband read it anyway.

i needed someone to name what i was doing wrong without making me feel like i'd ruined my kid. that's what this book does.

the part where she says these are not the daughters of bad mothers. i had to read that twice. i needed that.

my 13 year old read parts of this and said 'mom this is what i wish you'd read when i was 4.' that was a hard conversation. and a needed one.

i bought this. i read it. i bought one for my mother in law. she read it. we are now allies for the first time in 8 years. did not see that coming.

the imagine her at 22 calling you before she figured it out part. ugh. i want that. i never had that with my mom.

the 'use your words' chapter. biologically impossible. that one sentence shifted everything for me. i am no longer angry at my 3yo for not articulating during a meltdown.

this should be required reading at every prenatal appointment. and again at the 2 year check up.

ok the chapter on counting to 1, 2, 3. i count to three constantly. i had no idea what it was teaching her about my actual authority. i feel silly.

I bought it Friday. By Sunday I'd read it twice. By Wednesday my 4yo's nighttime routine was completely different. By next Friday she was hugging me longer.

dad here. wife sent me this and i read it on the train. the screen reflex one wrecked me. that's been my de-escalation tool for 2 years.

the part about how the wiring is built by thousands of small repeated moments. not big events. i had to sit with that for a day.

Good read. Not all 15 hit but the ones that did were like getting hit by a truck. The praise chapter for me.

wow. just. wow. the chapter on talking about her in front of her. my 7 year old has stopped sharing things with me and i finally understand why.

i'm a grandmother. i bought this for my daughter. i also read it. i did 14 of these to her. i'm sorry, kiddo. i didn't know.

the way the chapters are structured is brilliant. you can read one in 5 minutes. you can also reread one for the rest of your life.

the imagine her at 30 in a relationship with the ability to say no part. that's the part that made me buy the book. i don't have that ability. i want her to.

i wish someone had written this 30 years ago. for my mom. for me. but i have it now. and my 4yo and my 2yo get to grow up with a mom who read it.

the part where she says she has spent 5 years undoing these habits with her daughters and watched what happens. that's the credibility right there. lived.

i read this in two evenings while my husband watched the kids. best $24 we've spent in years. and we've spent it on a lot of parenting stuff.

Good. The 'be a big girl' chapter and the 'asking her to stop crying' chapter are the strongest. The rest are great too but those two felt like personal letters to me.

i cried. then i started chapter 1 of the repair scripts. then i cried again.

ok so i have to say. evelyn's writing has the rare quality of being both warm and uncompromising. that's hard to do.

the chapter on forcing her to share. i had been teaching my 3yo that her possessions weren't really hers, and then wondering why she clutched things desperately at the playground. now i know.

wish my pediatrician would stop telling me to make her use her words. this book gives me the language to push back.

i bought it skeptical. i finished it grateful. that's the journey.

the chapter on hugging relatives. i am 39 and i still can't say no to a hug from someone i don't want to hug. that started at 3.

ok i'll be honest. i'm a little obsessed with this book. i've recommended it to 6 friends in a week. 4 have bought it. 2 are waiting for payday.

the line 'fear without agency is just anxiety, and anxiety has never made anyone a better mother.' i needed to read that this year.

evelyn writes the version of parenting honesty that i wish my pediatrician had given me.

the part about how the bond and the trust and the openness grow back fastest the moment you change course. that's what i needed to hear.

i bought this 9 days ago. i've changed 2 habits. my 5yo is sleeping better. correlation, causation, who cares. it's working.

I'm a grandmother of 4. I bought this to share with my daughters in law. They both cried. They both said thank you. They are buying copies for their friends.

ugh the chapter on saying you're fine. that's been my whole maternal vocabulary. i didn't know it was overriding her intuition.

i needed permission to be imperfect AND to stop doing the things i was doing. this book gave me both at the same time.

i am the mom reading a book at night about how to do better. and i needed someone to say that line to me. evelyn did.

ok the part where she says 'she will remember what was installed.' that is the line. that is the whole book in one sentence.

i'll be honest. i avoided buying this for a week because i was afraid of what it would say. i should have bought it sooner. it's not a guilt trip. it's a guide.

Dad. Wife read it first. Then me. Then we both read it again. We've had better conversations about parenting in the last 2 weeks than we did in 5 years.

the chapter on doing things for her because it's faster. i broke that habit and my 4yo lit up. she wanted to be capable. i'd been preventing her.

evelyn is the writer i wish someone had been pointing me to since my daughter was born. 6 years late but here we are.

i don't review books. i'm reviewing this one. that should tell you something.

the imagine her at 13 section made me sob. i want that for both of us. and now i have a map.

ok so. the part where she says 'the moms who damage their daughters most are not the moms who do these things sometimes. they are the moms who do them constantly with no awareness.' that gave me a deep breath.

Good. The repair script library bonus is the part i've used most so far. The book primed me. The scripts are what i actually run on monday mornings.

the chapter on praise. carol dweck's research explained in 4 pages without making me feel stupid. i finally understand what 'good job' was teaching her brain to need.

i bought this for my best friend whose kid just turned 3. she texted me at midnight 'this book is everything.' i agree.

i wish i had read this when my oldest was 2 instead of when she was 6. but i'm grateful i'm reading it now.

the chapter on bargaining with vegetables. i do this every meal. i was creating a child who would grow up to negotiate with every plate. like me. like my mom.

ok the part where she says her older daughter knows what she wants and is bad at being talked out of it. i WANT that for my girl. i was talked out of everything i wanted as a kid.

i sent this to 4 friends. 3 bought it. 1 said she'd buy it next week. the carousel of moms reading this book together is real.

i'm a single mom. i don't have time to read parenting books. i read this in 4 nights, 10 minutes a night. it fit. and it worked.

evelyn's voice is the rare combination of warmth and honesty that i wish more parenting writers could do. read this book.

the last chapter on 'be a big girl.' i was made into a big girl at 4. my mom is sorry now. i'm trying to do better. this book is helping.

the chapter on 'asking her to stop crying.' i had to put my phone down and just sit. i was 32 before i learned to cry in front of someone i loved.

i bought this for my postpartum sister. she said it's the first parenting book she's read that didn't make her feel worse.

Solid book. Wish I'd read it before my second was born. Working through the chapters with my 5 and 3 year olds now.

ok the part where she says it usually takes undoing one habit. i undid one. i can already feel the difference in my 4yo. one.

i read this twice. once for me. once for my daughter. she's 8 and i want to make sure i don't keep doing these for the next 5 years.

the part about how the parts of her that you think you've ruined grow back fastest the moment you change course. i needed that hope.

i'll be honest, i bought this for the chapter list alone. then i read the whole thing. and it's all gold.

okay the part where she says 'the visible measure was wrong' i had to stop reading for a minute. that's it. that's the whole problem.

dad of two girls (4 and 2). this book is for me too. i'll keep it on my nightstand. read it slowly.

i needed this. i needed every word of this. and i needed it from a mom who got it wrong first, not from an expert who is performing.

the chapter on counting to 3. ugh. that was my morning routine and i didn't know it was teaching her that my words don't matter until i hit the threat.

Good. The 'what to do instead' alternatives are really the magic. They're tiny but they work.

i bought this. read it. then bought it for my mom and my mother in law. we had a 3 hour conversation about it on thanksgiving. best holiday ever.